Dreams

I think life is very interesting because you never know when you will or what of you will change.

Take dreams as an example.

I wanted to be a teacher when I was in primary school.

Then I wanted to be a doctor when I was in secondary school.

I still wanted to be a doctor when I was in JC.

Then I wanted to go overseas to do my bachelor in LSE on a scholarship but I flunked all my interviews.

And then I wanted to go into Finance so I took up Finance major.

But then I hated all my Finance Mods and realized I really enjoyed all my Operations Management Courses like BP, QM, CAT...

At one point or another, I've worked hard towards these dreams. I took Bio in Sec Sch, took Bio in JC, took part in International Biological Research using cell lines (something like some compound can delay ageing. forgot what compound or element it was) but the cells died due to some contamination. I took part in Science Fairs, took part in Pharmacy Quizzes in NUS, joined Biological Society. All these so that I could become a doctor.

Then I realized I didn't really wanna be a doctor though I loved Biology. I wanted to do Econs, though it was something I haven't done before. I wanted to go overseas on a scholarship. PSC, EDB, A*star, DSTA... whatever. But it was tough cos there are just so many people with 4As for A levels every year. So I took up Chem and Physics S Paper, since S papers play important roles in your application. But then I didn't get it. I guess I was too confident, too smuggish and snobbish.

Then I wanted to be a professional Dota Player. Stupid dream you'll say. I had an offer from Herman to form a girl's team, and then for a while we trained every night. And took part in my first all girls dota team competition. I was so crazy about it I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to be a good player and win all my competitions. I stopped when I found that I'm most happy when I play it for leisure.

After that I wanted to be a good climber. I wanted to be a climbing instructor. So I went to take my level 1 and level 2 climbing courses. I would have signed up for instructor course if not for my climbing accident in Thailand. Since then I started having phobia for heights. I didn't dare to climb, not even on top rope. I don't bring my harness when I go for trainings anymore. Since my accident in August, I have never led a route. I climbed on top rope for only 2-3 times at Safra. But I satisfy my craving by bouldering occasionally. Then I wanted to do competitive. Not to win but for the experience. I bought weights to lift at home. I did endurance and strength trainings when I go to Yishun Safra. But then I stopped because an opportunity for me to do something I have wanted to do for a long long time came along. Hopefully I'll get to do it, and do it well, together with her.

And I hope I will be able to go overseas to do my Masters. I am working hard for that too. (rather starting to). Finding out about GMAT and GRE, talking to profs, to friends, calculating costs.. I never know when this dream of mine will change again. I may just suddenly decide to do something else. Like Engineering. Or Accountancy. Or do marketing. Or I will not do masters and not work and get married and stay at home to be a good housewife. I mean you can never know what you want next. My friends will not know. Close ones like family members won't know either. Even you yourself will not know. At one point or another in life, I've had dreams, albeit different ones, but I've worked hard for each and every one. When I look back on those unfulfilled ones, I don't feel that I've wasted my efforts at all. (ie. What if I knew what I want now 10 years ago so I would have started to work towards what I want now back then? ie. all the climbing trainings are wasted, dota trainings are wasted...) But there are no regrets, not even the least, because I feel that it is human nature to want different things at different points in life. And it is always these efforts, towards achieving something at each and every point that motivates you through your whole life journey.

Sometimes I feel that I could have done more things and have more achievements with the time I had. Play stocks, make money, come up with small business ideas, Loreal challenges and other shits. I didn't do all these. But I'm still very glad. Things I've done all the while might be insignificant, might not be recognized, but at least they are things I've wanted to do and I am proud of myself because I really did try.

Shaun the peepeedog once told me, "I don't understand myself." The first time I heard it I thought it was bullshit. How can you not understand yourself when you are supposed to be the one who knows yourself best? Lately I've been feeling that way. Sometimes I understand myself, sometimes I don't. But I think that's because we are changing all the time. When I was younger I seeked help from a lot of older people because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. They said, "you'll know when you are older. You'll know what job you want what kind of life you wanna lead..." But I think they're wrong. Because you'll never know. You'll never know when you are 25. You'll never know when you are 30. You'll never know when you are 60. But one thing I know for sure is that you always know what you want at that point in time. You know what you want at 16 years old when you are 16. You know what you want at 60 years old when you are 60. But you won't know what you want at 26 when you are 25.

Seniority doesn't make you understand your needs or wants better.

That's a personal opinion.